A NETFLIX SERIES

Did you just come from the gym, or a tornado or something?

-I was with Staedtler in the broom closet. -What? Give me all the steamy details!

So get this, we're in the closet and I'm totally naked.

Oh, hell yeah!

Emotionally. I'm telling him about my parents and my childhood--

Get to the sexy fling part.

Yeah, I'm building to it.

So Staedtler, he has this huge, almost intimidatingly massive…

Inject that shit straight into my veins!

…heart.

Most people say that they care about stuff, but he really does.

This ain't hot! This is some monogamy shit.

Ha, please!

Staedtler's just a random hookup

that makes me feel like I'm home every time we make eye contact.

And sure, when I smell him,

I feel like part of me that I never thought was missing is complete.

That doesn't mean that I want…

Oh God. I want Staedtler to be my boyfriend!

You told me you weren't looking for anything serious!

You're a living stem cell, Steve.

Call me incel Steve now.

[upbeat music plays]

To conclude today's HR presentation,

groping your own clone is still sexual harassment,

not masturbation,

and neither are allowed at work,

Andre!

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Everything reminds me of him.

We can't have sex with clones. We can't nuke UC Berkeley.

You snowflakes won't let us have any fun!

-[Andre] Shut the fuck up! -Go eat a bag of dicks.

Luckily, I've made a new HR handbook just for this group.

This is Volume One.

I think I'm gonna ask Staedtler to be my boyfriend tonight.

I even ironed my lab coat.

Okay, I'm just gonna forget that last part and just be happy for you.

Where are you going to pop the question?

-A place really special to us. -Don't say broom closet.

-The broom closet! -Are you crazy?

If you really like this guy, you need to get some romance up in this bitch.

Romance?

I just lied to you about ironing my lab coat.

How am I gonna find some place romantic enough to ask him out?

We've been fucked by the pope!

For the love of God, context!

-[Mothman] Hey! -Buzz off, dipshit.

He just suspended our contract to build the Vatican a hell on Earth!

Building a what on where?

Why do you never know anything?

I should work in construction with the amount of pipe I have to lay.

so the College of Cardinals hired us to create a fake hell under Rome.

The plan was to simulate an earthquake that uncovers hell,

then everyone would be so terrified of God's wrath

Wow, Disney magic can do anything. Including send people to hell?

Relax. It's just for show. No one's actually "going to hell."

Except Andre, for the weird shit he did with his clone.

No regrets.

And this project.

The new pope is apparently chill AF.

He found out about the hell contract and wants to shut it down.

And Jesus said, "I shall not bogart Salvation."

"Heaven is deadass lit, fam." Ocasio-Cortez 2024.

I need one of you to go to Rome

and brainwash the pope into a hardcore religious conservative overnight.

a bounty of pasta and wine that's so toe-curlingly sensual, you'll--

Dibs! I'll go to Rome.

-Not fair! -Italian men love Gigi!

Do whatever you have to do. We need this contract.

Yes!

[Myc] Come on. Did you just figure out a way

to turn one of our bullshit missions into a free vacation?

Suck my per diem!

[yelps]

[groans]

[romantic music plays]

Whoa, this hotel room is like the Colosseum of broom closets.

And so many less cleaning supplies.

Look at all the natural light. I've never seen it on your face before.

Nice face, by the way.

[romantic music continues]

Wait until you see the restaurant I booked.

Yelp calls it one of the top five bistros to have honest, emotional conversations.

We can go right after we knock out this whole pope business.

Oh. Oh, right.

I thought I might do that part myself.

I usually don't mix business with pleasure.

It'll take two seconds.

It's a quick meeting with our contact, the cardinal,

you scramble the pope's brains so he green-lights hell,

and then, boom, we're free to go out on the town.

You do make it sound so simple.

So let's slam these negronis and hit the road, huh?

When in Rome, right?

-I was waiting for one of us to say that. -You gotta say it.

It's half the reason people come here.

Ugh. It's like a homeless family of licorice is squatting in my mouth!

Gross.

[Myc] It's bullshit Reagan gets to go to Rome.

I've always wanted to go on a Euro trip

ever since I saw the 2004 movie EuroTrip.

[gasps] Let's expense a trip to Rome and say it's for the hell project!

Rome? You gotta take me with you.

Please! I'll pay you in insufficient funds ATM slips.

Of course. We need a gopher to haggle with the locals and hold our trash.

-What are y'all talkin' about? -Nothing.

[all groan]

A trip? I'm in. I love air travel.

When you're a military man, people clap for you,

offer you their seat in first class,

Fine. But only because I know you'd narc on us if we didn't let you go.

Yes! Vacation time!

Are you always wearing that?

When you hit a certain size, it's harder to find shirts that aren't Hawaiian.

And the maître d' was very mean on the phone.

Should we practice a couple of traditional greetings for the pope?

No time, but don't worry.

I've been training my robo arms to learn Italian.

Pronto, pronto, prego, pasta.

Not offensive to Italians at all.

[choral music plays]

Ah, Cognito!

-Cardinal. -Peace be with you.

And also with your spirit.

This new chill pope is more blasphemous than we thought.

He's presiding over a gay dog wedding.

["Wedding March" plays]

I now pronounce you two good boys.

I always cry at gay dog weddings.

[scoffs] I give them six months.

Wow, what a hot crowd!

Excuse me, Mr. Pope, can I try on your big, weird hat?

[gasps]

Son of a bishop!

He can't hear you.

I built this Catholicizer

to make anyone with an ounce of Catholic in them extra judgmental.

I'm a lapsed Catholic myself, but if I got zapped,

all that guilt I've suppressed would just explode right out of me.

That's me in the corner, losing my religion.

Aw. Hey, look at you mixing business with pleasure.

Yeah. I'll call it Biz-Leasure, working title.

Actually, I feel good about it. Let's lock it in.

Anyway, this guy'll be Catholic enough to raise hell in a few hours.

You said it was gonna take two seconds.

-[cell phone vibrating] -Ah, shoot. Illuminati.

Jay-Z just got a hundredth problem and he's freaking the fuck out.

We're gonna be late for this dinner, and I have something important to ask you.

I could just speed things up a bit.

[machine whirs]

[Catholicizer beeps]

[Reagan] Right? You don't mind, Your Holiness.

[in bad Italian accent] It's good, Reagan. Forget about it! Mamma mia! Let's go!

[laughs]

[in normal voice] Oh, man. If God is real, I'm fucked.

I can't believe cheap-ass Rand made us shadow lev

all the way out to the freakin' Denver Airport.

How is the access point for all shadow world air travel

under this horse's big blue nuts?

No one told you to look up.

[jaunty music plays]

[all groan]

Pat-downs will be random

in that we will randomly pick someone that we do not like.

[groans]

The Denver Airport Shadow Terminal also has security? But we run the whole world.

We are in an airport.

Even the Deep State can't beat TSA.

God himself would have to put his laptop in a separate bin.

Heh. Watch and learn, soy boys.

-[beeping] -What's that?

Did your metal detector detect all my medals?

Please remove your shoes.

That won't be necessary, son.

[slurping]

Let that man pass. He's a veteran.

I'm the Searchin' General, head of the TSA.

I apologize for that.

I would never hold up a man who used to kill people and follow arbitrary rules.

Damn right. I served selflessly and I deserve royal treatment for it.

Anything for a fellow military man.

The fuck did you just say?

The TSA are the unofficial sixth branch of the military.

Key words being "unofficial" and, no, you aren't!

[slurps]

Hawkins, take this man to secondary inspection.

I think he forgot to take off his shoes.

Guys, wait!

I'm experiencing consequences!

Bye, Glenn. Enjoy the royal treatment.

[romantic music plays]

Hey, I bought you an Italian ice, which I guess is just ice here?

Yeah, this is just a bag of ice.

No time. We've got reservations

and I feel like this unwoke pope is about to call me a--

Streetwalker!

Right on schedule.

That should have taken way longer.

Did I set the device up properly?

I think you nailed it. Let's change and get outta here.

Wow, you invented a fanciness gun?

I call it a blazer gun. Like laser gun.

Technically it uses nanoparticles,

but let's save the sexy talk for after dinner.

Yes. Whisper tech specs in my ear.

So have you finally seen the wisdom of the hell project, Your Holiness?

Yes, Cardinal, but showing the people hell below

is just the beginning of God's wrath.

We can accelerate Rome's Revelations.

-[bell tolls] -[ground rumbles]

-[screaming] -Whoa!

-[both yelp] -What the actual hell?

[Pope] If you heathens have lost your fear of hell after death,

then I shall unleash hell on Earth.

Let's get ready to humble!

[sinister music plays]

-[maniacal laughter] -[screaming]

[both gasp]

-[Swiss guard] It's prayback time! -[groaning]

We now pronounce you married.

-No! -No!

I knew I screwed something up with the Catholicizer.

Chill out. These things were built by Disney nerds.

No one's actually going to hell.

[screaming]

Fuck! These animatronics have gotten so realistic!

Damn you, Bob Iger!

Damn you and your commitment to excellence!

[dramatic choral music plays]

[reporter] An earthquake and mysterious winged creatures have rocked Vatican City.

Holy shit! [screams]

This is all my fault.

I left to get you that romantic bag of ice when I should have been manning my post.

I mixed business with pleasure and look what happened.

But what about Biz-Leasure?

It sounds so clunky now.

Maybe it always did.

-[sighs] This is why I don't date. -What?!

[gasps] That label-free couple was holding hands!

Fire the Vati-Cannon!

[dramatic music plays]

[music fades]

Let me make sure the coast is clear.

-Reagan! -Listen, I need your advice.

Rome is burning and so is my relationship.

Staedtler just said he doesn't date!

My God! He really used that line?

If he tries to con you into some polyamorous millennial bullshit,

I will be very mad and very horny about it!

Maybe I just need to ask him what our deal is, straight up.

No, no, no, no, no.

Would Johnnie Cochran ask a question if he didn't already know the answer?

No! Which is why we were never officially engaged.

So, I need to find out if he wants to date me

before I ask him if he wants to date me?

Exactly.

And then save Italy from whatever the fuck you did to it.

[screaming]

You can't just keep me in here without rhyme or reason.

[laughs] This is the TSA,

and the rules of our domain are arbitrary and inconvenient,

as decreed by the covenant of our origin.

The year was 1903.

The Wright brothers were preparing for their maiden flight.

Unfortunately, before take-off,

the two idiot brothers betrayed him to keep all the glory for themselves.

On that day, Judas founded the TSA,

And so the TSA branch of the military was born.

We've never had the respect we deserved,

but a high-ranking general like you could change that.

Just say we're a branch of the military and you're free.

And I thought the Army had loose psych requirements.

Where'd you get that badge? The gift shop?

Insolent worm!

Just say we're a branch of the military. Say it!

[spits]

More like the branch of has-been Paul Blarts!

That's enough!

We'll find a way to break you, Dolphman.

The TSA always does.

No! Let me have my dignity!

I earned it by killing people!

I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it!

This is fixable.

so you can unbrainwash the pope.

I'd ask why the Vatican has secret doors,

but I think the answer would just bum me out.

These secret passages all have Da Vinci ass riddles to get through.

"The Mouth of Truth."

You stick your hand in

and then the legend says that if you lie, it bites down until you tell the truth.

Legend, my ass.

Just some Renaissance era Catholic security system.

Try sticking your hand in and I'll see if I can hack it.

[Mouth of Truth] Only the truth will set you free.

Uh, Reagan?

Working on it.

Maybe you should answer.

Only the truth will set you free.

I don't know. Maybe we should just, uh, respect the mouth's process.

Uh, totally normal follow-up.

Why don't you date?

What does that have to do with--

Let's not forget whose arm is in whose mouth.

Okay, fine.

The closer I let people get to me, the more they get hurt.

Can you just let me in?

[Reagan] I could ask you the same question, dude.

But have you met anyone super-fun recently that could maybe change your mind?

Maybe, but then because I got distracted,

the pope was throwing gay puppies into hell.

But if Rome got better, you would maybe reconsider your stance on, like,

labels and sleepovers and just generally making it offish?

Reagan, any progress?

Can you check to see if it's stuck in some kind of prying mode?

[crashing]

Check the hallway.

This passage is not dragon-accessible.

Shit. We gotta go.

Oh, thank God. Much like our hotel room, there's a lot to unpack there.

[Myc] One charger and it's broken?

If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're trying to torture us!

[muffled speech]

[Brett] No! There's such a thing as too moisturized! [gasps for air]

[Myc] Agh!

That sizzles!

How are two Advils $68?

Glenn, you son of a bitch! You'll hang for this!

Have you ever noticed inconveniences?

Oh God! They're torturing us with dated observational comedy about airline travel!

Where's my suicide pill?

[grunts]

[screaming]

My God, you're a monster.

I drafted a statement for you to sign,

What's it gonna be?

[Seinfeld] Social mores!

Death, take me now!

Just FYI, if I fuck this up again,

we're gonna have to collect the pope's liquefied brain into little baggies

and we can't fly with those.

Ron, I should tell you. The real reason I asked you on this trip is--

To make me evil, but in a fun, cinematic way?

Thanks for that, by the way.

What's he pontificating about?

Nothing. Shut your forgiveness hole!

It was this woman that tampered with your device!

Reagan? You're the reason my Catholicizer went full Wahlberg?

I can explain. I was horny and impatient?

Now I am going to fulfill God's plan to--

You sabotaged my equipment and let me think I burned down Rome?

Yes, but I was just trying to read your mixed signals about relationships.

I mean, what the hell are we even doing?

You never mentioned that. I'm not a mind-reader!

Well, you're in a related field.

Excuse me.

Evil pope trying to get a word in edgewise over here.

-In your face! -Agh!

-Staedtler! Are you okay? -The nuns in Catholic school were right.

I'm going to hell!

What? Would that make us long-distance or--

Guards! Banish these sinners to hell!

No! Staedtler!

I deserve this, Reagan.

I scramble the brains of innocent people, and I still quote Borat sometimes.

[Reagan grunts]

Look! A woman's ankle!

[all gasp]

Jesu Christo! Ankle-Improstituticus!

-[guards yell] -I'll come back for you!

[Reagan yells]

[grunts]

[dramatic music plays]

Hell, those Flamin' Hot Cheetos commercials really nailed it.

Only sinners may pass.

I just hacked into all your social media accounts.

If you don't let me through,

then I will tweet your entire search history, Jesusdaddy69.

Wow, that was just a lucky guess.

-[screaming] -Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[tense music plays]

No one tortures my team but me!

Here's where you'll be detained.

Unless your general bends the knee.

I can't, and I won't!

[gasps] TSA! Seize him! Like a medium-to-large electronic device!

[upbeat military music plays]

-Whoa! -Your flight's been canceled!

-[groans] -[Glenn] Prepare for a layover!

Welcome to Hudson News!

-[man groans] -[Glenn yells]

[screams]

[Glenn laughs]

Oh God! Retreat!

[laughs maniacally]

[sinister music plays]

Level Nine, guilt-ridden kidnapees.

Wow. It is Hieronymus up in this Bosch.

And it's not just what I do for work.

I used to return VHS tapes without rewinding.

I don't even know why.

I'm like the Joker.

Hey, uh, I'm supposed to tag you out?

Oh, thank fucking Satan!

This guy was just crying over a ladybug he killed when he was six.

Staedtler, we have to go.

Reagan? I deserve this.

I stole gum when I was four. I coveted my neighbor's Sega Genesis.

I'm the one who told Kanye about politics.

You don't belong here. You're a great guy.

I'm the screw-up.

I liked you so much that I invited you on this insane trip

just to ask if you would be my boyfriend.

Why didn't you just ask me in the closet?

I was insecure and I… I thought you'd say no.

I definitely understand if you don't want to date now, but I…

I can't let you rot down here.

I never said I didn't want to date you.

I just assumed you wouldn't want to date me.

You're a brilliant scientist

and I'm just a guy who's too fucked up by the things I do for work

to sleep at night.

That's why I like you.

[grunts]

[Reagan grunts]

You're the only one who really sees through it all.

So, I don't know, maybe after we get out of here,

when we stop that evil pope,

we could be fucked up together?

[gentle music plays]

But premarital sex is so sinful.

Uh-huh.

And so hot.

This is my crotch to bear.

[both laugh]

-[man screams] -[creature roars]

[grunting]

[laughs] Just another Tuesday for a military man!

First of all, Glenn, it's Thursday.

We only got tortured in the first place thanks to your veteran dick-swinging.

[Myc] Eat my ass, GI Jackoff!

Why won't anyone respect me?

Not so easy, is it, General?

Now you know how the TSA feels.

[sighs] I do respect your patriotism and love of pointless rules.

I can't make you an official branch of the military,

but I can give you these.

Thank you, General.

In fact, I think there's still time for your squad to make that flight.

-Rome, here we come! -Rome, baby!

[Myc] Untie us, assholes!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Also guilt?

Oh, Dio mio!

[dramatic music plays]

[Ron laughs]

You know, I think there's something to this Biz-Leasure thing.

Ready to undamn Rome from hell?

[upbeat music plays]

♪ It makes my heart skip a beat When you reach for me to hold ♪

♪ Someone come to rescue me Have mercy on my soul ♪

♪ 'Cause I want ya ♪

♪ And I need ya ♪

♪ Do anything to please ya Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Can I call you baby? ♪

The pope should chill out again in a few hours.

[tranquil music plays]

Abortions! Get your abortions here!

Ron, this day has been amazing.

Should we do something impulsive and romantic?

Really? You mean--

By the power vested in me by me,

I now pronounce you two very good boys.

You may now share a plate of spaghetti,

which is Italian dog-romance custom.

So I'm not just a boyfriend. I'm like a wedding date boyfriend.

Yeah. It's always good to have someone at a wedding to…

[both] Talk shit about everybody there.

I think Jesus looks cut in his loincloth and I can't tell if that's a sin or not!

[jaunty music plays]

Keep the weird European change.

I'm gonna Instagram myself holding up that leaning tower.

[laughs] I bet no one's ever done that!

I'm gonna find an organ grinder with a monkey!

I don't care what you do. I'm just glad we are finally--

[camera shutter clicks]

We're gonna have to cover all this up, aren't we?

Goddamn it!

[upbeat Italian music plays]

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